Coach Patti's Blog

Is there anyone who likes being around a "Victim?" It's certainly not an appealing personality trait. And yet, in a down-turning market, you'd think that Victim was the name of a hot new perfume; everywhere you turn, you get a whiff of it.

You know the clues: the "poor me" stories, the blaming, the counting and recounting of bad things that have happened to the speaker, the anticipation of problems to come. And you know the effect it has on listeners: the glazed eyes, the wandering mind, the rising desire to take the speaker by the shoulders and give him or her a good shake!

Like other negative attitudes, victim is toxic, contagious (your children are especially vulnerable), and powerfully attractive. Unfortunately, what it does attract is not sympathy or cooperation or help, but other victims and those who prey on them. You've heard that old expression about misery loves company? It's just the attraction principle at work!

Victims are passive. Things happen to them. Sometimes their passiveness is compounded by a victim mind-set and decision-making that include words or notions like, "that will never happen," "“no one ever," "I’m no good at," or "why bother?" Does this sound like something to avoid? Good – it is!

The fastest way to stop being a victim is to take action. You can wait for the phone to ring, or you can pick it up and dial. You can pray to win the lottery, or you can make a realistic budget and start dealing with your debt. You can cast a jealous eye on another agent's income, or you can get busy prospecting. You can be passive or you can cause something to happen.

Taking off the Victim label also means taking responsibility for yourself, your life, your business, and your attitudes. It means you can't blame your parents, your ex, your clients, or your astrological sign. Everybody—even that agent you think "has it made"—has blameworthy problems. Getting out of the victim mode means turning the focus onto action instead of excuses.

The biggest hurdle in your anti-victim campaign may be allowing yourself to recognize that you already have everything you need to make a change. You don't have to go out and get a life makeover: you've got the tools, the skills, and the knowledge at your fingertips. All you need is to do something (almost anything!) different than your usual, boring victim habit. Here’s how:

• Set a goal. Make it very specific and not too grandiose.
• Make a list. Write it down—the writing is important, so don't just do this in your head—ten small actions that will get you closer to your goal. Small is the operative word here. Making a phone call is a small action; revamping your entire contact management system so you have everybody's phone numbers at your fingertips is not.
• Tweak your attitude. Write down five positive things you can talk about. At least three of them should be upbeat comments or questions you can use to get someone else talking. Of the remaining two, one should be something hopeful that's going on in the world, in the market, or in the neighborhood, and the last one can be something exciting (yes, there really is something exciting and positive if you think about it) about yourself. (An important note here: "Victim" is an entirely egocentric attitude. The world is all about me-me-me. When you start thinking about, caring about, and asking about other people, it becomes very difficult to maintain your grip on your victimhood.)
• Do one thing. With your refreshing positive attitude, take one of the actions that you've written on your list. No excuses. Just do it. Right now.
• Reward yourself. Crossing the item off your list may be enough of a reward, but if you need something more substantial, go look in the mirror and say the following to your reflection: "You are so smart. You are a person of power and influence. Taking control of your attitude and your business is the best thing you’ve done for yourself in a long time. Way to go."
•  Repeat. Keep making new goals, listing and taking steps toward them, looking for good news to share, and rewarding yourself for your action.

There's one other step that can put your victim-ness into perspective in a hurry: doing something for someone who needs help more than you do. This goes beyond writing a check to a charity. Again, it's about action: opening your heart and putting the spotlight on someone else.

You may be wondering how any of this is going to pay the bills, but I think you might be surprised. When you stop waiting for the world to find you and reward you for being quiet as a mouse, when you start making a little noise (figuratively or literally—laughter is one of the best noises of all), and you start taking responsibility for your life, things are going to change. When you take action, you get results. There’s magic in action.

Let’s get busy!

Coach Patti

Patti Kouri, Accelerated Performance Coaching
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