Recently I asked a group of people over 65, "If you could live your life over, what would you do differently?" There were three answers:
- I’d take the time to stop and ask the big questions.
- I’d be more courageous and take more risks in work and in love.
- I’d try to live with purpose - to make a difference.”
What if there was no such thing as fear, what would you be doing today? How would you be living – or doing business – differently?
You aren’t afraid of what you think you are afraid of.
You are afraid of what you think.
In reality, the only thing that prevents us from succeeding is…ourselves! We are excellent at procrastinating and not asking for what we want or need. And having sabotaged ourselves, we use excuses and blame for not creating the behavior or not taking the action necessary to learn and move forward. As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us." By allowing ourselves to be fearful, we set ourselves up for future regrets.
What can we do? We can start by recognizing what the enemy looks like – the 10 most common fears that control people:
Fear of failing Some people would rather do nothing then risk looking bad, making a mistake or not completing what they start. Perfectionists fall into this category. Growth and true learning are frozen because of this fear.- Fear of success This fear is a little more subtle. To many people success means more stress, pressure, work, responsibility, attention, etc., rather than ongoing fulfillment and satisfaction.
- Fear of rejection For many people this is the #1 fear in their life. They don’t understand that it’s not the rejection that matters, but the understanding that there will always be differences and preferences in life between people and ideas. What does matter is how we learn from, and deal with, and respond to the rejection in a healthy positive manner.
Fear of the unknown We have the highest rate of poverty, physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse in the history of this country. Yet we also have the lowest rate of taking positive healthy action to stop or correct these circumstances. Why? Because most people would rather live with, and deal with, what they have and know now, than to take a risk with the unknown.- Fear of change This is a sister fear of the fear of the unknown. Most people talk about changing but few do it. It is not easy to acknowledge that something is wrong or not working in their lives, and they don’t like feeling clumsy or embarrassed at not doing something new perfectly.
Fear of intimacy Many people equate intimacy with sex. Wrong! In fact, many people use sex to avoid intimacy. True intimacy is the ability to openly express and communicate lovingly, honestly and unconditionally to those who are important in one's life, community, and work. This kind of communication is vital if one wants to learn to be a tolerant, non-judgmental person who respects the needs and wants of those people in their lives.- Fear of expression This fear prevents people from experiencing real creativity. It also prevents good, clear honest communication. Lack of expressing true feelings has ruined so many personal, professional, and business relationships. The challenge to many is to discover how one really feels and then to communicate those feelings in an effective, non-abusive manner.
Fear of abandonment This fear keeps people in relationships or jobs that are not nurturing, healthy and supportive. They would rather be miserable and suffer in their current situation than be alone and unwanted or unneeded. Even so, they feel no “real” connectedness socially or spiritually.- Fear of emotional pain Most people will do almost anything to avoid “feeling the pain.” We live in a society that incessantly promotes taking drugs, legal or illegal, as well as alcohol or food to avoid feeling emotional pain. Not dealing with this pain it will eventually bring on even more of life’s painful lessons, both personally and professionally.
- Fear of taking risk This fear keeps 80% of our workforce in their place, even though they wake up every morning hating their jobs, bosses, careers or professions. Their work environment is negative and debilitating. Their superiors give only lip service to change and innovation. Yet these people will not take a chance on themselves for fear of being judged a failure!
That's a lot of fearfulness…but it's not permanent. Every one of us has the ability to break away from the fears that hold us back from growing and achieving. We do not have to reach a point in our lives that is shadowed by regret for what we did not do.
What are the strategies that will take you out of fear and into the future? That's the subject next time, so stay tuned….
Coach Patti
Patti Kouri, Accelerated Performance Coaching
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Terrific post. Thank you for sharing these illuminating thoughts -- appreciated.
Hey, wait a minute, or a few years. I'm pushing 66 and have plenty of life in me yet to live.
Ask me again in 20 years when I'm retired.
Very well written post. you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, I am sure I will have a lot of regrets. We need to live each and every day to the fullest!
I like this. I've always tried to put myself in the shoes of someone over the age of 60. I ask myself, "what will I look back on and regret, if anything?". This helps answer some of those questions! I especially like the section on intimacy. Very nicely done! Bravo!
And I'm 73 and 2 days and no one believes it. Remember...ageing is only for the courageous.
Fear is the thing that holds us back. Learning to take some leaps of faith with the proper vision and prepartion allows one to move forward and to grow. I am so happy I have been able to overcome many hurdles that were fear based. It is like a weight off my shoulders.
No regrets? Imagine that.
Patti, Some fears are good and make us safer, some make absolutely no sense at all. When I turn 65 I think I'd have a hard time answering your question.
Hi Patti
I enjoyed read your post, outstanding reading and information,
Good luck and success
Lou Ludwig
Thanks for the post Patti. I have taken lots of risks in my lifetime and have not regretted one of them. My life at times has been trying, but never boring. I have found that getting into action dispels fear. As Nikki says - just do it!
Sue White
coach Patty .... this is a great list you have put togther.
Hey Patti,
Great info to ponder. I'd like to know from your opinion if you see a difference between "do-overs" vs. regrets?
Fear will run your life. Fear will make you do things you otherwise never would.
This is a great feature not because it's well written but because it's a great lesson in life to NOT be scared to make big decisions.
I really loved ready this post Patti, this is real good advice for living. Thank you
It takes a certain amount of courage to be a real estate agent--no salary, no benefits and no idea when the next sale will happen. We live life without a safety net, and certainly must leave fear behind if we want to achieve the pinnacle of success we are capable of.
Hello this is Brianna visiting first time to this site and find it very interesting. I really like to join it.
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brianna
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Thanks, Patti. "Fear is the mindkiller." I love it when I have days without fear. Things seem to go smoother.
Patti - very interesting responses from the seniors! What's the saying, "Too soon old, too late smart." (?)
Hi Patti - I think we all have these fears you listed, some just have learned how to deal with them better than others.
Wow! Thanks Patti for reminding us of what is holding us back and also that we can break away from any of these fears. Thank you
Great Post! I have tried to live my life without regret and have encouraged my children who are grown to embrace the moment...FEAR...it lives in us all, but there is nothing more fulfilling than taking the risk and reaping the rewards!
I've embraced change and taken risks all my life. I think there is something to be said for being a little more conservative. I've heard many say not to listen to the nay sayers and those who discourage you from following your dreams, but think that you should carefully weigh their comments to see if there is some wisdom there before you plunge forward.
Patti... Very good post.. I like reading and getting an insight as to what seniors are thinking. We can learn from them.
Coach - Great question! Most of us suffer from analysis-by-paralysis. I have always been envious of those people who knew what they wanted to be as a kid...and grew up to be exactly that.
I wonder...what does a "Coach" fear?
Patti,
A most thought provoking post-----right now I'm working on a new project for the community that I hope will give me fulfillment in my qwest to make a difference.
Right on, No regrets that my philosophy. Except I have never gotten over the fear of heights.
Patti great post, thanks for being such a good coach! Iwant to add another fear: disappointment. I have been very afraid of disappointing those that I love and those that depend on me, that often I stop taking the important risks that lead to success because I do not want to disappoint my family, friends and workers. How dumb is that? They would love and support me regardless, they have in the past when I have failed, etc. I am still affraid, though. OK, too intimate- so I do not have that fear, Thanks-Be!
Patti -
We have the destiny of the day in our hands each morning as we arise! Seize it!
Years from now, when I'm dead and gone, my headstone will not read, "He was one hell of a Realtor!"
See you next week!
DEAN & DEAN'S TEAM CHICAGO
Patti, very interesting, something to think about today. I'm hitting middle age, assuming that I'll live to 100, so I see the second half of my life before me. What do I want it to be?
Here's another fear - fear of what others will think. We should each spend more time doing what makes us happy, instead of worrying about what others will say.
Thank you for the reminder! Have you ever noticed that when you are busy with living that there is no time for fear? And that is when you are taking all these risks (in retrospect) without even thinking twice because at that very moment you are actually living life and enjoying it!
One of the questions I asked myself early on in my life as a result on reading a book by Anthony Robbins was, "What would I do if I knew I could not fail?"
When you take failure out of the equation, you also remove fear.
And when there is no fear you are able to act with no reservations or hesitations.
So that is how I live my life, knowing that I will succeed. :)
Thanks for the insights and giving us something to think about today. It's something we should ponder more often than we do - Live life to the fullest - for we know not what tomorrow brings!
Thanks!
Minette
Wow! If I could only have grasped all this 25 years ago! I am sure my life (which I feel is great) would have been even better. I know for a fact I have and to an extent still have the fear of failure and fear of rejection. I am always amazed when I get to know people well and we start "sharing" they can't believe I have these fears as to them I seem to "have it all together". Funny how we view ourselves can differ from the way the world views us.
Patti, Wonderful post, I have seen it often in my life with friends and clients--and they often wonder what would have happened if they'd gone ahead and "stepped out" of their fearfulness. I too believe you only regret the things you didn't try.
Great post, Patti! I am the queen of procrastination when it comes to my own business, and have usually talked myself out of doing something by the time it gets right down to it for my business!!! I chicken out...
Patti ~ You make a great point about fear. I can't remember what movie it was, but I there is a great line about fear that I heard recently. The premise was... imagine what you would attempt if you knew that you could not fail.
Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing. Sometimes the hardest step to take is the first one.
Gives me pause for thought. I'm 43 and honestly I can say I wouldn't change a thing. I am who I am and where I am because of my history. I learned from my mistakes, haven't repeated any and can't think of but one thing I am afraid of and rational or not... I'm afraid of mice. Not what I think mice are, but mice themselves.
Great Post and great timing. I think we are our own worst enemy. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I don't just want to be successful I want to feel good about how I got there and I don't want to look back and say I should have done this or why didn't I do that. We only get one chance at life and we shouldn't be afraid to try something new. You can't be afraid of trying. You will never move forward if you are. I want to feel good that I tried.
Beautiful post - fears have controlled my actions and behaviors in the past. It is a great feeling to overcome them and replace fear with faith : ) Great post and congrats on the feature. Will subscribe to your blog as well.
Ihave heard from seniors that the only regrets that you should never have are having too many regrets
Patti, I would like to get some information about one of your classes. Can they be taken online as I live in WIsconsin and do not have the funds to join in person.
Wonderful post! I am the eternal optimist, but every now and then I see the "enemy" sneaking in with fears of the unknown, what other people think, etc, etc
I'm glad I found this post! We all can benefit from confronting some of our fears. I know that when I confront a fear and find out it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be, I always feel great with the accomplishment! I'm adding you to my associates list!
Brian.
Good post... To share with you my brother's biggest regret before dying of cancer... He said he wish he would have spent more time with family and friends and less time at his job working overtime for his employers.... We all need to remember family and friends are the most important as they are there to help us when we are in need....
Thank you all for stopping by. You guys are all so awesome. I am honored to have made an impact today or at least a reminder that life is too short and the only thing that gets in way of anything is what we think about, what we think about. Congrats to those who have embraced this and are already successful in dealing with this emotion! And for the rest of us that still have trouble with it from time to time, keep in mind that fear is nothing more then:
F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal
Let's not let it stop us anymore.
This reminds me of 2 of my favorite quotes: "Life is not a journey to the grave with intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body. Rather to skid in broadside, all used up proclaiming...Wow what a ride" by Anonymous
"20 years from now you will be more dissappointed by the things you did not do then by the things you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sale away from the safe horbor, catch the trade win in your sails, explore, dream and discover." by Mark Twain
God bless you all. Feel the fear and just do it anyway! What do you have to lose? You will miss 100% of the opportunites you don't take. So go for it. You have a 50 50 chance of getting what you want. So, go out and make something wonderful happen today. You deserve it.
The comment above is from me, Coach Patti. I pushed the submit button before signing off. oops!
Thanks, Patti. These are great thoughts. I always try and subscribe to the idea that a person should have no regrets. We should always be moving forward! Have a great day!
Paul
I'd be more courageous and take more risks in work and in love.
That's one regret none of us need. Take the leaps of faith or you're sure to have this one on your death bed.
Cool post, we can all learn from those with a bit more "experience".
Great thoughts.
Great list...many thanks
Information is thought to be knowledge, but alas it is the implementation of this information that can create a knowledge base to act on or mentor to.
Good insites. Good Stuff!
How does the saying go? Something like, courage is not the absence of fear but taking action in spite of our fears.
Patti, I really enjoyed this post. When I was younger I never spoke in class and was quite shy. As I grew older I somehow wound up in sales and have enjoyed it ever since.
It is hard to step out and do things that are uncomfortable and fearful. Leaving a "real job" to become a realtor is a HUGE step for many in our profession.
I want to make a difference and leave this world a better place and you can't do that without taking risks. There is so much we can do to make things better for other people but it is very easy to get hurt in the process. I often think of two questions - will anyone attend my funeral and will anyone miss me when I am gone. I hope there will be a lot of Yes's to both those questions.
Patti this is a very insightful post. Thank you for sharing. My first go-round doing Real Estate I failed and for about a year or so thereafter I thought i'd never try it again for fear of failing. Now I'm successful and thats mostly because I faced the fear and instead of thinking I'd fail again, I learned from previous mistakes and changed my approach accordingly.
Great advice. It seems like many life lessons are learned too late!
Interesting point about fear of success. I can see how this is one touchpoint for me -- I am so busy as it is, that success -- meaning more work -- seems overwhelming! I guess the solution is to realize that the way to manage success is to leverage people. It might be time to hire an assistant to manage some of the easily reproducible elements of becoming successful.
It would be a shame for me not to learn this.... I have 40 years to go before I can be asked that, and hopefully I'll have a different answer.... Thanks for the post
Patti – Great way to put things into perspective. A classic blog post and one we all need to read. Thank you.
If you were reading AR at all when the blog button was moved that screams fear of change right at you.
Patti, great blog... I am going to subscribe, you had some very good points on what might be holding me back...
I didn't really begin to live life until I was 36 when I ended a 17 yr marriage. Got my degree after 6 yrs of night college while working and raising kids. Worked my way up the corporate ladder with all male peers. Had to make major presentations repeatedly to 200 or so upper level execs ... scary stuff back in the 70's when women were few and far between in those ranks. During those years, each time I challenged myself, and accomplished one more milestone, it gave me the confidence to try the next challenge, and so on. Life hasn't always gone as planned, but it's important to keep an open mind and look for turning crap into an opportunity to grow and expand further.
I always said I didn't want to be 80 yrs old, sitting on a front porch, saying, "Gee, I wish I'd done this or that." I've pretty much done and achieved everything I wanted to, so I don't have many regrets now that I'm at that magical age. However, mentally I still feel as I did 20 yrs ago, so don't see myself stopping. Maybe I"ll retire one day but I doubt it. I can't see myself stopping.
You never know what you can achieve unless you challenge yourself. We only go 'round this thing called life once. If you don't do it with gusto, you've wasted a terrific opportunity.
This definetely got me thinking. Beautifully written. I do not regret what I have done in my life, because I always gave the best of me on everyhting I have tried. I regret some of the choice I made or some of the things I have believed on.
I have gone to the stage of the fear of taking too large of risks that will make me go backwards in life.
A great post, a good reflection of the demons we face each day and try to figure out which will stick with us for the years to come. Thanks for the post
Thank you. A very well written article. I am glad I read it as I have taken many of the risks and dared to do and I am very happy that I did. One such risk I took was to leave a job I was very unhappy in. It paid good money and had benefits but the people were miserable horrible people. I left a marriage that was terrible. Now I do what I love, I sell real estate and I buy and sell antiques and I don't play with people who are not nice and I try to live the saying--To thine own self be true!
FEAR...False Evidence Appearing Real
I find the older I get the MORE I value my life and am NOT afraid to take risks. The things that were important to me when I was young are not now. Family, friends, love, top my list. Making money is not the main focus but spending quality times with loved ones is TOPS.
Youth is wasted on the young, as I grow older I grow wiser, THANK GOD
Phylis Pafumi
Patty... this will make you stop and think about many things in life.. thanks for sharing
Great Post! We all need a kickstart and the reminders in life! Thank You!
Do you also provide personal coaching for realtors?
Hi Patti...I'm 71 and don't have any of the three regrets people mentioned but I do have one. It is that I probably will not have another 71 years of great living ahead of me.
Thanks for making me feel so good.
Kate
Fear, I think, is the number one reason why things do not get done. Be it in business, relationships, politics, etc... Eliminate fear and the world is a much easier place to be. But at the same time, fear can be a natural protector for all of us. I guess it is how we all manage the fear the is in all of us.
Thanks coach Patti for the great reminder, it's my goal everyday to have no regrets
I am definitely keeping this article. It is so true and I think many of us can apply all of these fears to our lives, maybe one a little more than others. I like how you kept it real in your definitions of each fear. All though I have grown there is still much more for me to do and learn about myself and others.
Thank you so much I really appreciate you posting this.
Great Article. Thank you Thank you Thank you. Obviously you are good at what you do!!
Milford CT Real Estate
Excellent reminders. thank you! If we just get out of our own way, we're unstoppable!--Jennifer Filzen 2007 GRAMMY Nominee www.jenniferfilzen.com
Hi everyone,
I am so excited to see how many of you have embraced fear and taken risk so you feel you don't have regret.
For those of you who may not have taken enough risk or have some regret, don't fret. Just start from where you are with one step a time, even if it is a baby step. Then keep breathing and focus on the goal and how you will Benefit once manifested. Embrace the possibilities and enjoy yourself while you are at it.
Go for it! What do you have to lose?
Coach Patti
Great post. Thanks for the inspiration.
FEAR, FEAR, FEAR! Yes, you are correct... I think most of us have some fear, even though we may be in our "golden years." I do believe, however, that the fear lessens as we get older; thank God. Thank you for spelling it all out...
Wow, Thank you all for stopping by.
Here is a great success formula:
Situation + Response = outcome
The only point of power you have is in the response. If you don't want refrets or fear as your outcome, change how you are responding to the market, your business and your life.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again until you get what you want.
Good luck!
Coach Patti